24 January, 2026
Why should you have a strong bond with your children? A bond between people is a strong feeling of friendship, love, or shared beliefs and experiences that unites them (Collins Dictionary). After years of research, raising around a dozen kids, and thousands of hours of parenting coaching as a life coach, I have realized that the stronger the bond between you and your children, the lesser the need for disciplining them. Such children don‘t obey you because they have to; instead, they obey you because they want to.
Parents lament that their children do not reciprocate their love with obedience or manners. Please note that a strong bond depends less on how much you respect and love your children and more on how much they respect and love you. One of the most important amongst multiple factors contributing to how much they respect and love you is how much time you give them. So how much time do you give your son? 6 hours a week? Or 2 hours a day? An hour a day?
Think again!
Years ago, I was struggling with seven children and felt like fighting a losing battle. A lecture on parenting radically shifted my paradigm and helped turn the tide in my struggle when the speaker asked the audience how much time they gave their children. I learned that day that we don‘t give much time to our kids; we take time from them. Instead of listening to someone who has approached you for advice, you recite your new poem to him; have you given him time or taken time from him? When our agenda dominates our transaction with our child, we are not giving him time but taking time from him.
In Transactional Psychology, an interaction of an individual with one or more persons, especially as influenced by their assumed relational roles of parent, child, or adult, is called a transaction. (Collins Dictionary) When our transaction is focused on how much time our son is spending on studies; his homework; his spending time with friends you dislike; his being irresponsible in life; his laziness, non-seriousness, and carelessness; how less he contributes to the affairs of the house. All of the above are taking time from our son and not giving him time.
Giving time to our son is when the agenda in the transaction is solely his. Such a transaction will have topics like what the son wants to do with his life; his hopes, fears, and aspirations; what he wants to study; what he likes in his life; whether he is happy with his life, to begin with; what issues does he face as a son, a brother and as a Muslim. When we give time to our son or daughter, it is more about listening and empathy.
That evening I explained to my children the difference between giving and taking time. To my amazement and sadness, they resonated with the idea. ―Baba,‖ they responded, ―you haven‘t been giving us time all these years; you have been taking time from us.‖ That day I promised to change myself. I am still struggling. Alhamdulillah, things have changed dramatically. In the next post, I will share a powerful tool for giving time to children, which I call Deep Meaningful Meeting (DMM).
Stay tuned.