2 February, 2026
You want to be loved, or do you want to be valued? Of course, your answer would be both. But what if you had to choose between the two? Or if you have both, which one should dominate?
Love is a construct of the heart. It is a feeling. Collins Dictionary defines love as a very strong feeling of affection towards someone.
Valuing someone is a mental construct. While love is a feeling, value is a judgment. Value is derived from the people’s worth and the worth they add to the universe around them.
Love demands reciprocity. With love, there are expectations, the least of which is that you want the person to love you back. When you value someone, there are few expectations other than that the person will live up to his reputation.
I met Dr. Abdul Qadeer Khan once. Knowing him through people who have worked with him for years, I started to value him. Even if I had been close to him, there would have been minimal expectations. With value comes respect, admiration, and a desire to see that person succeed.
With love comes affection and care. Love is an emotion; it can wax and wane. Value is tied to the person’s worth and the worth he adds to the world. As long as that worth remains, the value remains.
In my view, starting a relationship based on love will not lead us to value the person until we notice elements of worth in that person. Interestingly, if you value a person, love quickly follows.
Wisdom dictates that we should focus on being valued and valuing people in our relationships. If love ensues, it is beautiful; if it doesn’t, there is no issue. Building a relationship on love is unwise, an emotion that creates expectations, which sometimes are very difficult for the other person to meet.
In marriage, ask yourself: do I value this man, or does that man value me?
In my life coaching practice, parents lament: my kids don’t love me. Forget about love. Reframe yourself: seek to have them value you. Value them and add worth to their lives. Help them grow. Give wings to their dreams. Become a resource to them when they are down and depressed. Become supportive when they are facing difficulties. When you become a person of value to them, love will automatically flow.
Please take my word. Don’t seek respect, love, appreciation, or popularity at work. Seek to be a person of value whether you are in a leadership role or not. Prophet Muhammed ﷺ has said:
سَيِّدُ الْقَوْمِ خَادِمُهُمْ (أربعون شاہ ولی اللہ الدھلوی)
The leader of a people is their servant. It is so beautiful, as in service lies value.
There is a very beautiful Ayah where Allah (SWT) says:
وَمَا قَدَرُوا اللَّهَ حَقَّ قَدْرِهِ وَالْأَرْضُ جَمِيعًا قَبْضَتُهُ يَوْمَ الْقِيَامَةِ وَالسَّمَاوَاتُ مَطْوِيَّاتٌ بِيَمِينِهِ ۚ سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَىٰ عَمَّا يُشْرِكُونَ
“They have not valued Allah with His true value. But on the Day of Resurrection, the entire earth will be in His grip, and the heavens shall be rolled up upon in His Right. Exaltations to Him! Exalted high is He above all that they associate! (39:67)” (Translation by Qaribullah & Darwish)
So let me ask again: do you want to be loved, or do you want to be valued?