Relationship With Children

Deep Meaningful Meeting (DMM): a tool to dramatically enhance the relationships with our children. Earlier I have spoken about the difference between giving and taking time from our children.

Here are the steps of a DMM, a structured tool to give time to our children:

1. Announce that you would like to have one-on-one sessions with the children, ranging from twice a week to once a month. Be candid and inform them that you have learned this approach recently.
2. If asked about the content, explain that it will be a heart-to-heart talk where you would like to hear them speak openly about their issues.
3. DMM is to be held with one child at a time. Your spouse or other children must not be present during the session.
4. I recommend that each session last a minimum of 1.5 hours and a maximum of 2.5 hours.
5. Hold the meeting with the child who is willing. If a child is reluctant, do not force her.
6. The age range for DMM can be from 5 years to 50 years.
7. If the DMM goes well with one child, the others will likely agree later. Make sure the first child has a perfect experience.
8. Take the child to a nice restaurant and buy a thoughtful gift.
9. If no child is ready, take your spouse for a DMM and let them share the experience with the children.
10. If this still does not work, please get in touch with me. Parental coaching may be required.
11. Do not meet at home. Choose a pleasant place such as a park, restaurant, seaside, or similar location.
12. Make sure to take notes during or after the meeting for future reference.
13. The meeting is confidential. Clearly disclose that you will not share any information without the child’s permission.
14. This meeting is not about disciplining. Avoid lecturing, scolding, or correcting behavior.
15. The purpose is to let the child speak about matters close to their heart.
16. Be prepared with open-ended questions such as:
    1. Are you happy with life?
    2. What are the three (or five) grand ambitions in your life?
    3. What are your three greatest fears?
    4. If an angel granted you three wishes right now, what would they be?
    5. What three ways can I, as a mother, change myself to make your life easier and happier?
17. Many years ago, I asked my 8-year-old son during a DMM whether he was happy with life, and he said no. I was shocked. When I asked how I could make him happy, he replied that the paint in his room was old and his desk was scratched. After fixing both, he became happy. I was pleased for him but saddened that I had not known earlier.
18. I once advised a friend to take his depressed son for a DMM. The son did not speak at all. I suggested the father stay quietly with him. They shared dinner in silence. Late at night, the boy began expressing his anger and emotions, broke down, and slept beside his father. The next day marked the beginning of a healthier relationship.
19. Remember: do not worry if there is no conversation during the DMM. Silence can sometimes be more powerful than words.
20. If the child asks for financial gifts or favors (such as a smartphone, bicycle, or vacation), clearly state that such requests are outside the scope of the DMM and schedule a separate discussion.
21. If the child is happy and looking forward to the next meeting, congratulations—the DMM has gone well.

As you become consistent with your DMMs, you will witness your parenting success indicators improve. So when will your first DMM be?